Nude Nuns with Big Guns

Nude Nuns with Big Guns
Directed by: Joseph Guzman
USA, 2010
Exploitation, 85min

In the wake of Quentin Tarantino and Roberto Rodriguez Grindhouse double feature of 2007, the amount of movies trying to pinch a piece of the sleazy, crazy, low budget exploitation flavour of the seventies/eighties has been unlimited. A lot have been mere pastiches that leave no real impression apart from an “uh huh” reaction and nothing much more, but some have managed to pull it off and feel just like a third part to that initial retro-redux by the two guys mentioned above.

Joseph Guzman’s Nude Nuns with Big Guns is a splendid example of how Nunsplotiation, sexploitation, dirty bikers and corrupt clergymen all come together in a grande burrito of sleazy bloodshed, drugs and vengeance. Definitely one of the movies that get's the vibe and tone of Tarantino/Rodriguez project and takes it for a spin. And it's one hell of a good spin, that just may make you hurl.

After her lusts for carnal pleasure are discovered, Sister Sarah [Asun Ortega] is forced into the seedy underbelly of a Mexican drug ring where naked nuns process and package drugs for the church. The church sell the drugs to outlaw biker gang Los Muertos, run by sleazebag leader Chavo [David Castro]. During a drug exchange Chavo becomes outraged when one packet of drugs is missing. Needles to say the shit starts to kick as he enters the school bus with nuns demanding that they tell him who the hell stole his drugs. He whips out his gun and starts shooting the nuns until only one single shell-shocked beauty in a habit remains, Sister Sarah. Buying his way out of the swindle, Father Bernardo [Max Siam] offers Chavo to take the young nun with him to cover the loss of the drugs. Chavo drags Sister Sarah away to his strip joint - brothel The Titty Flicker where she’s forced into drug addiction and rapidly becomes a favourite ”Puta” amongst the clergymen of the area.

After one severe beating and a heap loads of heroin too many, Sister Sarah is kicked to the side and left for dead… at least in the eyes of Chavo. Instead Mr. Foo [Maxie J. Santillan Jr], the chapter’s ”witch doctor” takes Sister Sarah under his wings and secretly tends to her. During her time of recovery Sister Sarah hears the voice of God telling her that he has a plan for her, and that plan is to take revenge on the people that did her wrong…

That’s the first ten minute set up of Guzman’s pretty neat and shit-kicking sexploitaton flick Nude Nuns with Big Guns, an interesting surprise to say the least. Guzman also directed the 2009 grindhousey flick Run! Bitch Run, which also deals with Catholicism, drugs and revenge for rape.

There’s a great deal of nudity and some really grim seedy moments that will keep fans of sexploitation satisfied, and there’s enough psychotronic moments to keep the Grindhouse vibe alive, and believe me, if this movie had been made thirty years ago it would be one of the genre classics. And that’s without even mentioning the lesbian subplot.

Sister Sarah isn’t just a plain hot nun out for revenge, no there’s more at play here. Eventually we learn of a strong carnal lust for the same sex that has at one point in time caused Sister Sarah to sin against the lord, and that’s why she was punished by the evil, money hungry Money Magda [Emma Messenger]. The punishment - to work in the drug factories, where paranoia of being ripped off is so profound, that the nuns all have to work naked. Well there’s a pretty decent motivator to getting the nuns out of the penguin outfits and into their birthday suits if there ever was one. Anyways there’s a pretty decent dimension to Sister Sarah as she’s partially torn between giving herself to the lord and her lust for Sister Angelina [Ayicil Yeltan]. And as soon as she’s opened Pandora’s box, going about her Holy Mission, there’s no holding back on her love for Sister Angelina.

Chavo is a great protagonist. Vile, Sinister, Wicked. He holds no respect for anyone, not even his closest men, the gigantic Kickstart [Xango Henry] and Half Breed [Robert Rexx – Who also provided background voices for video game Red Dead Redemption] on which he pulls his gun and threatens to kill on more than one occasion. He doesn’t respect his employers the church either, and really doesn’t want to get drawn into their Holy War when Sister Sarah starts making the rounds putting slugs in the bad guys. He’s no stranger to a bit of depraved rape and sadism either. Something that is depicted more than once, possibly taking it’s peak when he orders the huge Kickstart to shag sister Mary [Kimberly Ables Jindra] the only witness to the murders that have been taking place.

Polarisation works wonders for this movie. All men are depraved, corrupt and misogynistic and look upon women as objects to defile. And the nuns are fair, innocent tormented souls… Well at least some of them, and in-between, the strippers at the nudie parlours are all there for our viewing entertainment.

About the pretty good soundtrack, well I’m surprised that Rodriguez hasn’t been in touch with composer Dan Gross because the grinding guitar and saxophone loop that constantly accompanies most of the seedy moments of the film sounds just like Rodriguez score for Planet Terror.

In a nutshell - sinister bikers, nubile nuns and priests pushing dope! All wrapped up in a splendid cocktail of exploitation traits and Mexican telenovelas, seasoned with loads of naked chicks, gun-smoke and the iron taste of blood. Nude Nuns with Big Guns makes for one heck of an entertaining Grindhouse feature that stands out amongst the otherwise pale competition.

Image:

Widescreen

Audio:

Dolby Digital 5.1. English and Spanish Dialogue. Swedish, Finnish, Danish and Norwegian subtitles optional.